A metal guitarist warned he would go blind playing so many solos

SHREVEPORT, La. — Local metal band Sinister Dissonance has warned guitarist Henry Derrickson that he’ll go blind if he doesn’t stop playing so many solos, uncomfortable sources report.

“It’s an old wives’ tale, like swimming after eating or the KISS disco record,” Derrickson said. “It’s to scare you. I can solo as much as I want, it really doesn’t matter. I’ve spent the whole pandemic alone watching YouTube videos and really getting to know myself, guitar-wise, and I’m doing great. Sure, it takes me a bit longer to get into the mindset than before, but I always get there in the end. I just have to tighten my neck and concentrate as hard as I can to hit all my notes.

The rest of the band were quick to point out that their warnings fell on deaf ears, as Derrickson continued to take his guitar into the bathroom during practice.

“It’s not that he shits between songs, it’s that you can hear him noodle and tap his finger in there,” said the band’s drummer, Sherry Beauregard. “It’s not the first time this has happened either. Our last guitarist played so many solos that he went blind and lost his license. The woman in front of him was fired because her hairy palms kept getting stuck in the ropes. And our original lead guitarist was so solo that his wife left him, and I honestly don’t blame her. I hope it’s not too late for Henry, but he already struggles to connect with us when we play. Sometimes he’s so into himself that it’s like we’re not even there.

Experts say over-soloing remains a hidden endemic.

“Transgressive attitudes toward solos run deep in this country,” said rock historian Ron LaFayette as he lazily plucked a few strings. “Solo shame is a very real problem, unfortunately. Guitarists are afraid to talk about soloing, and it hurts them. Just because a guitarist wants to play solo on occasion doesn’t mean anything is wrong. It’s perfectly natural, and some people even say that playing solo once in a while makes things even better when you finally play with the rest of the band.

At press time, Derrickson was seen entering his bedroom with a jar of Vaseline and this month’s Guitar World centerfold.

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